Ever been on a slip n slide? Well imagine doing it totally naked with some hot babe grinding all over you. Luckily for you, you don’t have to walk through those pearly gates to experience this marvel; you can actually get it here on earth at a very reasonable price. It’s called a Body to Body massage, and it was personally designed by God himself for all of you horny men out there. This insanely sexy massage involves a smoking’ hot masseuse covering you both in oil and using her curves, boobs and ass to massage your body. And, like all love stories, you’ll get your ‘happy ending’ (or several for that matter). Sold yet? Yeah we thought as much, so get a move on and book a session with a Tantric masseuse in your area. Don’t worry, there’s no hidden catch, no ‘terms and conditions’, but if you want to avoid pissing off your masseuse and want to make sure you have a once in a lifetime experience, here’s a few tips we suggest you follow:
1. Do have good hygiene
The clue is in the name when it comes to a Body to Body massage- there’s a lot of skin-on-skin contact, which is why being hygienic is an absolute. Most masseuses tell clients to shower at least 30 minutes before a session to ensure their body is clean and properly prepared for the massage to come. Remember, you’re asking someone else to touch your body, so the least you can do is have a shower for Christ’s sake! As well as showering, there are other beauty regimes you should follow if you want to be spic and span. Unless you’ve got a foot fetish, feet as gross, simple as. Do you really want your masseuse to endure touching and massaging your horrible, unkempt feet? No! That’s just cruel. Clip your toenails, shave off any hard or dead skin and thoroughly clean your feet before your massage. Plus, the last thing you want is to feel self-conscious during a session if you know you’ve got horrible, smelly feet- so sort it out people!
2. Don’t try to be the masseuse
You are the one who has forked out the cash to get a massage, so all you need to do is lie back and relax as your masseuse works her magic. But apparently for some people, this is a seemingly difficult task. Your masseuse is the expert- not you. Your masseuse knows what she is doing- not you. Your masseuse has years of experience practicing Body to Body massages- you don’t. Get where I’m going with this? The last thing you should do during a massage is try to show your masseuse some new techniques. Being vocal about what you like and dislike is absolutely fine, but positioning your masseuse in a certain way or attempting to perform the massage on them is a big fat no no. Boys, we understand that you’ve got urges and, it’s going to be hard to keep your impulses on a leash when you’ve got an oily, naked fitty sliding all over you- but keep your hands to yourself, seriously. This is not the start of a porno, it’s a stress release, so do as you’re told, comprende?
3. Do speak up!
Following on from the previous point (you’ve been warned!), being vocal about your likes and dislikes is always encouraged. Although they do have magical hands, masseuses are not mind readers, so if they’re doing something that doesn’t quite sit well with you, speak up. This massage isn’t for your masseuse, it’s for you, so you are well within your right to point her in the right direction. What you need to remember is that for a masseuse, every client and every body is completely different. What feels pleasurable for one person might be painful for the next, so if your masseuse happens to do something that hurts you, give her a break, okay? In contrast, it’s always good to give your masseuse positive feedback on techniques that you do like. Whether you want your masseuse to push a little harder, or you’re happiest when she’s a little further south (if you catch my drift), then just let her know, she won’t mind, promise.
4. Don’t turn up late
If you want to seriously piss of your masseuse (you know, the woman who’s literally about to have your balls in her hands), please feel free to turn up late to an appointment. Most masseuses will agree on the fact that a session starts at the time it has been scheduled- regardless of whether you’re there or not. If you just so happen to turn up 15 minutes late, don’t expect to get for the hour-long massage you paid for. It’ll be more like a 35 minute quickie, but twice the price of a half-an-hour session. Even though this is a pet-hate for most massage therapists, you’re ultimately just shooting yourself in the foot at the end of the day. Erotic massages are highly sought-after services, so the chances of your masseuse being fully booked every single day are pretty high. The last thing a therapist is going to do is cancel another appointment to accommodate your shit time keeping, so make sure you turn up at least 10 minutes early for a session. If you do turn up late however, be prepared to pay the price (literally).
5. Do rearrange your appointment if you’re sick
It doesn’t take an expert to know that a Body to Body massage should be sexy, not snotty. Imagine being forced to get up, close and personal with a stranger whilst they’re coughing and sneezing in your face, but you’ve got to somehow make the entire shebang sexy? Literally the stuff of nightmares right? Well, this is what poor masseuses have to go through when clients turn up with the lurgies. First of all, it is not hygienic for you or your masseuse; it’s just downright gross, seriously. Second of all, it’s fair to assume your masseuse will have bookings for the remainder of the day, so do you really think her other clients would be too pleased if she passed YOUR illness onto them? Think again! Although most masseuses get frustrated when clients regularly cancel or rearrange appointments, this is the one occasion where they absolutely insist you do. As well as being grim, getting an erotic massage when you’re poorly could actually make you worse, so it’s better to just avoid it altogether unless you want to add days onto your suffering. Moral of the story: only get a massage when you’re 100%, or be prepared to get death stares off your masseuse.
Trust me, a Baker Street Body to Body massages are the Shangri-La of massages, the Big Daddy of boners, and the pot of gold at the end of the tunnel. If you want to have your mind-blown and your wildest dreams come true, just stick to the guide, okay lads? It’s a one-way ticket to heaven my friends!