Prostate, prostate, prostate; what a life you’ve had! Neglected, dismissed, ridiculed and why? Because of your position in this world- because who really wants to get involved with something that’s all the way back there? Amidst all the dark and the shit is the back door to a place of ultimate pleasure. But who is going to believe that, who’s going to listen? Not to you, prostate, oh no, if you had a voice I’m sure you’d be shouting from the rooftops. You’d be saying ‘Come here, touch me, tickle me, and bring me alive!’ But you’re just a gland, just a flack of human flesh, hidden and buried, in wait, hoping that one day you will get the recognition you deserve. Oh to be noticed just for a moment, by accident even! Because that’s all it would take, isn’t it? A simple slip, a finger falling into the wrong cave, with enough momentum it could strike gold- it could strike you! And then what would happen? Well you would lie in wait, just like the neglected play toy that has fallen under the bed as characterised in the successful 1995 Pixar movie Toy Story, you, the prostate, lays in wait, hoping for the moment a stray hand brushes against your trembling form, praying with all gods will that it might that said stray will stop and notice you, will indulge you, explore you, discover your true delights. As a prostate, you know that once your true organic qualities are discovered you will be showered with the respect, the attention, the glory that you have always known deep down you deserved.
But how can we bring about this initiation, close this deal? How do we bring the prostate and the man together as one, how do we get a man to run down the summer meadow and reach you trembling in the grass, like that classic trope in classic cinema- how do we reunite you?- how do we introduce you, because this is, of course, the most crucial part- introduction? This isn’t the end of a film, it’s only the beginning. Once a man discovers the true root of his pleasure lays in his prostate gland he is ready to take the journey of a lifetime, a path that will allow him to reinvent his relationship with sex.
The discussion that has been sparking interest up and down the newsroom this week, spiralling prostate massage into the mainstream, is that of the health benefits. It’s 2019 now and the word on the street is that being healthy is a good thing, it’s a trend! Since this revelation prostate massage has crept out of the woodworks from its dormant place of hiding. Health, fitness bloggers, celebrity endorsement and commendable several hours trending on twitter #prostate #massage has made it into the mainstream.
And what are these health benefits? Personally, I think it’s less a question of the health benefits and more a question of the overall benefits. The overall benefits of prostate massage- and by that I mean the intense pleasure and discovery of this pleasure. It’s enlightening, invigorating and could save your life. It saved mine.
It’s probably about time I introduced myself. My names Kevin and three years ago the overarching benefits I experienced from getting a prostate massage genuinely saved my life. Let me tell you how…
- I believed, no I had accepted, I was sexually stunted. Before I had discovered prostate play I had grown increasingly bored of sex. I just didn’t get much out of it. I could cum but never really got much of an intense pleasure experience. This got me down and made me feel isolated. Relationships broke down, I became withdrawn… I felt like an outsider and this made me depressed. Depression is an illness and prostate massage was my cure. After realising that my sexual pleasure lay in my prostate gland I realised I had been wrong all along. Now I have a perfectly healthy relationship with sex and I implore anyone that feels similarly to give prostate massage a go. It’s not just something some men experience pleasure from, it’s all men. Just in the same way women experience sexual gratification from having their clitoris massaged, men’s sexual pleasure is ignited by the massaging of their prostate. So health benefit: Eradicates depression, improves mental health and brings light back into your life, as well as improving general sexual appetite and improves fitness.
- Prevents prostate cancer. Now, this is a biggy. Since that presenter got sick back in 2018, prostate cancer has been in the spotlight, I was watching Match of The Day last night and every single presenter on that was wearing a prostate cancer awareness badge. What they should be wearing is ‘get a prostate massage’ badge! I’m telling you because no one really knows how to stop yourself getting the big C but studies have suggested that having a good clean out of your colon and the prostate area can massively reduce your chances of getting the condition- keep it clean, keep it lean that’s what I say! By getting a prostate massage by a professional erotic masseuse you can ensure that your prostate is well maintained and looked after. Crucially, the massaging and consequential awakening of the prostate does it a world of good. Imagine if you didn’t use your right arm for a year, what do you suppose would happen to it? It would become weak- most men spend their entire lives ignoring their prostate- this is incredibly unhealthy! By regularly seeing to it and keeping the gland active (through prostate massage) you can ensure that your prostate gland is strong and stealthy.
- Noticeably improves your attitude to life, it made me spiritual. I personally have never had much time for religion or spirituality. I once dated a hippy back in 84 and for the life of me, I couldn’t get on her spiritual plane. During my first prostate massage, I became enlightened. The orgasm I experienced was so intense and all-consuming that I drifted into a realm unlike our own, I won’t go into too many details as I believe it’s really a personal, private thing that one can only really understand by trying themselves. But if you want some life affirming, spiritual experiences without the use of drug or mind trickery- get a prostate massage.
That’s all, for now, folks, please feel free to comment below with your experience of outcall prostate massage and how it’s health benefits improved your life.
Until next time!
Fr. Kevin O’Donnell