If You Thought An Erotic Massage Was Weird? Think Again!
Have you ever heard of an erotic massage before? Yeah, you probably have, and you probably think it’s a really dodgy, extremely expensive hand job in some sleazy salon underground somewhere. Am I right? Well, I am here to tell you that you are wrong! Unbeknown to me, Erotic Massages seem to be clouded by an array of negative stigmas, making people overly hesitant to give them a go, when in reality, they’re pretty amazing experiences.
Regardless, if you still think Erotic Massages are weird, then you’ve been totally misinformed. Living in a world where sex is practices, A LOT, I find it strange to believe that kinky massages have such a bad rep when there’s much weirder shit going on all around us. So, as an Erotic Massage advocate, I am here to completely weird you out and show you that Happy Ending massages are positively PG compared to some of the bizarre shit that goes on behind closed doors. By the end of this, you’ll never judge naughty massages ever again…
The 14 Weird Sexual Fetishes
So, Necrophillia is seriously fucked up and totally illegal in the eyes of the law for obvious reasons. But unusually, Pseudonecrophillia isn’t, and you would be surprised to hear how many people are into it. If you haven’t already guessed, this weird sexual act involves one person playing dead during sex, while the other person gets off on it. As well as going limp and barely breathing, some people even take ice baths beforehand to make it seem as if they are a cold, lifeless body. What. The. Hell. I don’t know about you, but if someone asked me to play dead during sex, I’d be out of there quicker than Donald Trump at a tax office. Pretty sure infamous serial killer and necrophilia super fan, Ted Bundy made his girlfriend to do this while they were dating…. Slight alarm bells ringing. Just saying’.
If there’s one thing that really bugs me, its men who get more aroused by insects then me. Ha, get it? But seriously, this is a thing, and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about it. Formicophilia is a sexual fetish whereby people get sexually aroused by insects crawling all over their private parts and body. Formicophiliacs enjoy being bitten, and get turned by the pain and irritation which comes as a result of being eaten alive by creepy crawlies. I’m itchy even thinking about it! Not being funny, but when I see an insect, I run a mile. I don’t sit there and imagine what it would look like in 6 inch heels on the cover of playboy. So, the next time your partner suggests watching A Bugs Life on Netflix, it’s time to start worrying.
3. Pony Play
Okay so this one is a little more self-explanatory; it’s basically what it says on the tin. This weird type of role play involves people pretending to be horses or riding people pretending to be horses. Honestly guys, I’m not horsing around here… This weird fetish has become so popular, most bondage retailers now stock horse related gear such as butt plugs with horse’s tails and saddles. Pony Players are often accompanied by their ‘jockey’ who rides them and feeds them carrots whilst dressed in full riding gear. Sounds like an expensive fetish if you ask me, but it doesn’t end there. This bizarre role play is not limited to horses, it also extends to other animals such as dogs, cats, wolves, lions and many others. I love puppies, kittens and horses just as much as the next person, but I don’t particularly want one as a boyfriend. I’ll stick to the real thing, thanks.
4. Paraphilic Infantilism
Everyone loves babies! They’re super cute right?, adorable little bundles of joy who really do brighten up the world. But how would you feel about a middle aged fat, hairy man dressing up as one? Still cute? NO. Absolutely not! If you haven’t already sussed it out, this seriously disturbing practice, also known as ‘Adult Baby Syndrome’,
involves adults dressing up as and acting like babies, whilst some other weirdo ‘mothers’ and looks after them. These creepy giant babies enjoy being bottle fed; having their nappies changed, sleeping in cots and of course, crying all of the time. Categorised as a sexual masochism, practitioners of this bizarre fetish derive sexual gratification from being completely humiliated, and seem to enjoy the feeling of being helpless and vulnerable. Although this may seem pretty damn weird to most of you, this not-so-uncommon fetish appears to be rising in popularity across the world and is definitely becoming more accepted and recognised. Pretty messed up if you ask me, but each to their own, I guess?
Ever fell down the stairs in a public place and completely humiliated yourself? Most people probably have, and it can be a pretty traumatic experience. Unless of course you’re a Climacophiliac, in which case, it’s a massive turn on. Although there has been very little scientific research into this, it has been noted that participants suffering from Climacophiliac gain sexual gratification from either tumbling down stairs themselves or watching someone else do it. Psychologists seem to be pretty baffled by this one, and so far, there have been very few cases reported. But either way, the term ‘stairway to heaven’ has never been more appropriate.
Imagine being in a car accident and crushing both of your legs, or being a soldier and having your arms blown off. It sounds horrendous, doesn’t it? Not for a Apotemnophiliac. For them, it’s like a dream come true. As far as twisted fetishes go, this is pretty up there, because after all, who the hell fantasizes about being completely immobile? Although most people suffering from Apotemnophilia are sexually aroused by other amputee’s, extreme sufferers become aroused at the thought of being limb-less themselves. The worst part is, there have been accounts of people cutting off their own limbs DIY style in a bid to feel ‘whole’- as has been described by them. Whoever these people are, they definitely need psychological evaluation. But in the meantime, let’s just hope they don’t get stuck on a dance floor when the Hokey Cokey comes on….
Okay so everyone loves forests. They’re beautiful, idyllic and really sexy. Wait, what? So apparently, people who suffer from Xylophila get seriously turned on at the sight or touch of wood in every form. Now now girls, steady on, we don’t mean that kind of ‘wood’. We mean ACTUAL wood, believe it or not. Whether it’s trees, pencils or planks of wood, Xylophiliacs seemingly can’t get enough of it, but there is still no explanation as to why. I mean, did a Xylophiliac just walk past their dining room table one day and think, ‘Phoar, check out the legs on that one’? Who knows, but if I do know one thing, it’s that Xylophiliacs are barking mad! So, if you ever catch your partner staring at your wardrobe for too long, you know why.
8. Cake Farts
Ever looked at a Victoria Sponge and just had a massive urge to fart on it? Oh, man I wish I was making this up but I’m really not. People farting on cakes for sexual gratification is an actual thing now, after a video was posted on Pornhub of a woman letting rip on a beautifully-iced chocolate cake. Whether it was originally posted as a joke or not, people seemed to like it… A lot. So much that a new genre of porn has since been created because of it. Some Cake Fart fans have described what they like about this acquired fetish, and apparently, there’s something sexy about icing getting lodged up someone’s back-end? There’s only one hole I want my cake going down, and its most definitely further north. So, next time you think about buying a caterpillar cake from ASDA for your mate’s birthday, I’d seriously reconsider. Never. Eating. Cake. Again.
Two Girls one Cup– a hellish, stomach- churning manifestation of nightmares. This chunder-worthy abomination horrified the world for its unnatural, sexual use of human excrement, leaving most normal people simultaneously gagging in sheer horror. But for all of the Coprophiliacs out there, this video was a thing of magic. This rather unhygienic fetish is where people get aroused by all things pooey, developing an unnatural interest in feces. Professed Coprophiliacs have admitted enjoying the smell, texture and taste of feces, whether it be their own or someone else’s. You could be Tom Hardy or Ryan frickin’ Gosling for all I care, you are not coming anywhere near me with poo! This shit is next level weird.
Imagine getting jiggy with a guy, everything is going great and then suddenly he’s all like, ‘burn in hell, bitch’. You’d be super upset and a little taken back, right? Well, for a Stygiophiliac, this is actually a massive compliment. Stygiophiliacs are people who get aroused at the thought of Hell and Damnation, as fucking bizarre as that sounds. Stygiophiliacs aren’t usually religious, so tend to come up with their own idea of what hell is; but there’s usually still plenty of fire and misery of course. Makes absolutely no sense to me, but then again, eternal suffering and damnation has never really been my thing. Either way, most of us are going to hell anyway, so I’ll see you there guys!
I think for most of you reading, this next fucked up fetish is literally a thing of nightmares. Think creepy outfit, think sinister face paint, think chilling laugh. Has the penny dropped yet? Coulrophilia is a fetish for, wait for it… Clowns! Yes, that’s right; there are people in the world who get turned on by these creepy hell demons. According to practicing Coulrophiles, a normal, day to day sex session usually involves being spanked with rubber chickens and actual pies in the face. Whether you love dressing up or just enjoy watching IT a little too much, this unusual fetish really creeps me out. Then again, I’m coming around to the idea a little more, now that I know there’s pie involved…
Mechanophilia is one of the more well-known, documented Fetishes out there, mainly because of a documentary published by the BBC which gained a great deal of attention and laughs for that matter. The documentary was titled My Car is My Lover, so I’m pretty sure you know where I’m going with this. It’s safe to say most people find cars both beautiful and attractive, but it doesn’t mean we want to shove our d*** in the exhaust pipe. Generally, most Mechanophiliacs are attracted to anything mechanical, including helicopters, airplanes and in some cases, even hoovers (ouch). The self-confessed Mechanophiliac in the show admitted to only being aroused by and ‘making love to’ mechanical things; but only with the blessing of his VW Bug/ girlfriend, Vanilla, of course. I love TopGear just as much as the next person, but I wouldn’t watch it with some lube and a box of tissues. That’s just wheely weird…
If there’s one thing that makes me cringe, it’s touching my eyes, and I think most people feel the same way as I do. Oculolinctusiacs on the other hand, bloody love it. In fact, they love it so much; they get sexual pleasure from licking other people’s eyeballs! This gross fetish, also known as ‘Worming’ has become so popular in Japan, its led to an outbreak of Pinkeye across the country. This seriously unhygienic and just downright weird fetish has become so bad, national warnings have been issued to discourage people from going round sucking on eyeballs. Eye gunk is bad enough as it is, but can you imagine eating it? HELL NO. Come near my eyes, and I will hurt you.
To conclude our list of fucked up fetishes; of course, we have saved the most gruesome for last. The holy grail of fucked up fetishes, the mother ship of weird, the big daddy of disturbing.
In 2001, the world was left horrified when the gruesome tale of Armin Meiwes and Bernd Brandes hit the headlines. Meiwes was convicted of mutilating and eating Brandes, his gay lover, over the course of weeks; defrosting and cooking parts of his flesh most nights. If this wasn’t bad enough, this horrifying story took an even more sinister turn. It came out that Brandes was not murdered and devoured against his will; he had actually advertised himself online to be eaten, and intentionally met with Meiwes to live out his sick fantasy. If you haven’t already worked it out, Voraraphilia is the desire to be eaten, and this extreme case is a disturbing insight into the lengths some people would go to in order to fulfill this horrendous desire. This rare phenomenon has baffled psychologists across the globe, and very little understanding has been established as to the workings and motivations of self-confessed Vorarephiliacs. Some call it a fetish; I call it a serious cry for psychological help. This most certainly wins the award for most messed up fetish, that’s for sure.
So next time you shy away from an erotic massage in London be sure to think twice. As you can see from the above post, there are much weirder and stranger things out there, stay safe people! – Stella x